Unaskedfor Advice

I don't know if that's a word or not, but man, it's what I'm trying to cope with this week. We all know how annoying unaskedfor advice is, but I'm the one giving it, and I can't seem to help it.

This week my kids have decided that it is time for 16 month old Ashton to "learn" to go to bed/sleep without being held. This came about after they received a CD in the mail from Dr. James Dobson, the Christian behavioral psychologist, who says this lesson is important. I'm not sure why, but I know he is big on parents asserting their authority, teaching the kid who's boss, etc. I do know that I have had my conflicts with Dr. Dobson in the past as it makes me very angry whenever a person speaks out as an authority on any subject (and thinks they are) just because they are an MD. This particular one thinks he knows everything there is to know about raising children, even those areas he hasn't bothered to study. And I'm frustrated that my kids, first time parents, are willing to look to some self proclaimed "expert" for advice. I mean, we all know mother knows best, right??? That's a joke. But I do wish moms and dads would trust their own wisdom instead of always giving the right and responsibility to make parenting decisions over to these "authorities". It starts in pregnancy with most women abdicating their responsibility to make decisions on their child's behalf. They doubt and deny their God given instictive wisdom and instead look to someone else to tell them what's best. And no one else cares for or loves your children like you do. So why in the world would you trust them to know what's best for them? You know your children. Anyway, I digress.

The thing is, I don't think Ashton is trying to be the boss. He has spent the last 4 nights crying/screaming himself into exhaustion and eventual sleep. It's killing me. I am so totally opposed to this type of childrearing "technique" that I am making myself sick over it. And he has been very angry and agressive this week during his waking hours. Hmm. Go figure.

He's just operating on the same assumptions that he's operated on from the day he was born: I am loved and cherished, my parents and grandparents respond to me when I need them, when I cry, they come, when I'm sleepy, they rock me, when I need comfort, I am comforted, etc. Actually, when the crying time decreased to just 15 minutes tonight, I almost felt worse. It means that he is giving up. He is learning that the old rules no longer apply. We aren't going to respond to him. Just becaue he quits crying doesn't mean he quit hurting - it just means he has learned that it doesn't do any good to tell us about it - we aren't going to show we care in the only ways he has ever known. So, yes, it is certainly teaching him a lesson, but I fear that the lessons are ones that are driving an emotional wall between him and his parents/grandparents. He isn't going to trust us as he did before this "lesson". He is learning (even if he's young and he won't be able to remember/articulate when it happened) that love is harsh, cold, uncaring. I mean, what else could he be thinking??? I seriously doubt that he's in there saying, "Well, I know my parents love me and this is really hard for them to hear me crying and hurting emotionally, but they believe this is for my best, and after all, I need to learn to go to sleep on my own." Right. I am so grieved to know that this is not at all what he's learning, but rather that we don't care.

Oh, I'm really struggling with it. Of course, anytime we're really struggling with someone else's issues, it's probably because they are our issues as well. I'm becoming aware of my inability to really FEEL loved by God. And that has a huge impact on everything in my life. I'm learning that I have formed perceptions about God based on my experiences with those who represented God to me - father, pastor. Probably anyone in authority. I suppose we all have these kind of traumas in childhood that begin to shape how we view God. My prayer for Ashy this week has repeatedly been "Lord, please guard his heart/mind/spirit. Do not allow the lies from the enemy to penetrate. Lies that say "This is how it feels to love and be loved. You have to guard your heart. Don't let them know you're hurting because they won't care/respond and then you will hurt even more." Please help me to nurture him in whatever way I can that may counter the negative effects this "training" is sure to have. And lastly, help me to be a good mother as well as grammy by praying for my children and grandchildren and knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. Amen"