When Life Gives You Lemons
Just enjoying a quiet evening of reflection as I'm alone in the apartment tonight. As an introvert, I sure havent had my usual quota of "alone time". Spent 3 days last week in Dallas to attend my cousin's son's funeral. Jared Newsom died at age 25. Saw some family members (including my brother and family) I hadn't seen in 3years! Can't believe that, but think it's true. We will spend 5 days in Kansas with Jerry's brother and his new wife we haven't yet met, and our daughter's, SIL and grandkids. Then Jerry Staci and I fly to N Idaho to spend 6 days with my parents, I attend a 1 day conference then back to Manhattan (Staci) and Jacksonville (Jer and me) So, I'm grateful for the "me" time tonight.
I've been here a year this month! What a year it has been. My Christian Midwives elist that I mostly lurk on anymore had a recent post asking for ideas of "labor songs" that help the Mama remember that God is her strength. As I read that post I felt this weird disconnect. I thought "I am so far removed from that world, I can almost no longer relate." It is so where I was a few years ago, but I am light years away from that "world" right now.
The pain of missing the grandkids living near us has dulled considerably, as we were told it would given enough time. Not sure how I feel about that. Relieved on the one hand. Sad on the other. Have I become resigned to it? Have I accepted it as inevitable? At any rate, life IS much easier without the raw GRIEF I carried around in my spirit for so many monhs. Maybe I am ready to pull out the book I bought by Carol Kent, "A New Kind of Normal". I wasn't ready to accept that there WAS a new normal when I first tried to read it. I think living here without them is finally starting to at least feel NORMAL rather than a terribly wrong, must be fixed, state.
I was thinking this morning about the truth that God isn't as interested in our comfort as he is our character. Therefore,He puts in motion those things that contribute to our growth rather than our comfort. So, I do feel that I have grownso much this past year. I am learning to let go and let Him be God I think.
I do miss my daughter. She is so busy. Just her stage of life, I know. And yet, I wish I could be a part of her life, even if it was just her sharing it with me. But she doesn't have the time and/or desire to connect by sharing her life/thoughts/feelings with me. This kind of sharing has never been a part of our relationship, but I was OK with that when I was "there" to witness her life and just watch it unfold. And now that I'm not, I feel that I hardly know her. As she told me shortly after I moved here, she doesn't have time to BOTH live her life and then turn around and tell me about it. I tell her I miss her but I don't think she knows what I mean. But, IT IS WHAT IT IS. My new motto lately. Seems so fitting for many of the circumstances I find myself in. Kinda the shortened version of the serenity prayer: Lord, give me serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. I find that when I just ACCEPT what is, the joy comes.
On that note, as I prepare for this next trip to Kansas (I think the 5th or 6th one in a year) I look forward to accepting what I cannot change-I am a long distance Nana. And as such, I can learn to enjoy a new kind of relationship with my grandkids-the "special" Nana rather than the "everyday" Nana. To put into practice some ideas for staying close even when far apart. I have my "Nana's magic bag" packed with gum, candy, stickers and other random goodies that everyday Nanas can't afford to hand out liberally. But long distance traveling Nana's can love LAVISHLY and LIBERALLY for a few days here and there :)
Here's to making lemonade!