Amniotomy Animosity

4 months in JAX, 4 months at NHCL in the strange new world of hospital midwifery. The trials and growth that goes along with working in a group of 9 CNMs and as many OB-GYNs-most of whom have never seen a truely normal, unmedicated, no interventions birth. And in their world, it has been made clear to me that is NOT acceptable practice. Everyone needs AROM'd (amniotomy), pitocin, epidurals,FSE, IUPC, amnioinfusion, O2, IV. And that's the lucky ones who manage to give birth before a c-section can be called. There is no place here for midwifery practice. There is not even an awareness or acceptance that there is midwifery knowledge. That there is "knowing" that comes by "being with woman". Even among the CNMs. The primary source of all "knowing" comes from the electronic fetal monitor. All decisions are based upon what the "strip" tells us. Never mind all other intuitive or other ways of knowing. The job has been much harder than I expected. OK, so far, I HATE it. That felt good to just say!

I knew this was what I was coming to. I knew I wasn't coming to change it. But I was coming to learn "medicine" and obstetrics in the hope that it would make me a better, more well rounded midwife. The jury is still out on that. I just hope and pray that it isn't "killing" the midwife in me. Tonight I started praying in earnest that not only will I get to take 2 weeks leave when Clara is due, but that in God's mercy, He will allow me to be Shay's midwife again.

About 6 weeks ago, Staci came to live here with me for awhile and be "my angel". God knew how desperate I was for Christian fellowship, companionship. Someone nearby who knows me and loves me-that I can come home to at the end of the day and receive strength and support from. It's no exageration to say that her presence here has saved me from depression and complete despondency. God is gracious and merciful, knowing just how much we can take. 4 weeks ago I was SOOO dreading coming home from KS and going back to work. Staci picked me up from the airport-smiled at me and said "Welcome to your assignment." AHH, JUST the perspective I needed! To know that God HAS called me here for a reason and a season. Not a life sentence. I don't know what it is (reason or season) but I do know that HE knows the plans HE has for me, plans to prosper me and NOT to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I DO know that He is loving, faithful, merciful and full of compassion. He is teaching me to TRUST Him. To KEEP waiting on him.

Still trying to figure out just why God called me here. I have asked Him to give me a reason for being here, to show me His purposes. I know the whole lonliness thing of missing my family has forced me to lean hard on Him as never before. So far, that's the only good I've seen in it. I don't feel like I am making a difference in the young women's lives. Of course, I'm making money finally, which Jerry and I both thought was a good thing. But I'm really wondering if this is right. I keep wondering if I should be closer to Ashton and Sadie (and soon Clara) so I can help Shayla with them, and help cultivate seeds of faith in them. I don't see how being here is helping anybody, really. But I haven't heard God say to leave yet. "So I wait for You, so I wait for you...I'm falling on my knees, offering all of me, Jesus , you're all this heart is living for."

IT's PMS time so I attribute most of my melancholy introspection to that. But as a wise counselor once told me, I should NOT discount the emotions felt during this time of my cycle simply because hormones are involved. She counseled me to embrace the increased level of intuition and insight that this time brings. That perhaps the heightened awareness of my feelings could bring with it truth that needs to be looked at and evaluated. So rather than being afraid of what the emotions mean, just accept that they are there to give me information that helps me know myself and my needs better. So, as Inga told me, "It sounds like you are learning what you DON'T want to be when you grow up. That's good." Yes, I think God is showing me that He has midwifery in store for me again someday. Just not right now.

I stayed "home" this weekend instead of taking my monthly 5 day trip to Kansas. It is so hard to leave everytime I have to come back to NC. (Especially at PMS time) I haven't yet found a friend like I've been praying for. Someone to hang out with and share my heart with. I haven't found a church family that I feel at "home" with. I haven't found fun activities, hobbies or interests here to enjoy doing when not working. I thought staying here on my days off would force me to get out and explore and have some fun, making NC feel more like home. If all I ever do here is work, and that has been less than gratifying, how am I going to give it a chance to see if we could make a life here? We've had beautiful weather and Staci and I have had some fun together. But knowing that this is my weekend to be in Kansas (and I'm not) has made me think of Shay and the grandkids a lot and feel very sad that we won't see each other for 2 full months this time.

Jerry, Shay and the kids will come visit the last week of April. I am planning to join a women's bible study at First Baptist Church on April 20, so hopefully that will provide an opportunity to find a "soul sister". In the meantime, I think I will bring out the 'Ole "Breaking Free" study and review it.

Calley, if you'e made it this far, thanks for your letter and picture and always kind and gracious words that lift my spirit and encourage me. You are one of God's precious gifts to me :) I am SO happy and delighted that God gave you a baby BOY to love. Sounds like you had an INTERESTING birth experience-but then, don't you always :) I have actually only attended 1 birth with Michelle-it was my first homebirth I ever saw and the one that inspired me to become a homebirth midwife. How sweet to hear that you were planning to give your baby my middle name as hers if you'd had a girl. I am blessed that my granddaughter to be born this summer is named Clara Elaine. :)