Midlife Crisis
Jacksonville, NC 50 degrees, cloudy. Sunday Morning. First day of 3 days "off" stretch and I'm staying in JAX. Much needed "down" time to reflect...
I've been here for 2 months and find that I am at another "crisis" point, if you will, in the journey. I've been able to go "home" to Topeka every 2-3 weeks since starting the job here. This has felt necessary for me to have that time of re-connecting with my loved ones during this time of transition. Everything in my life is changed. I have often felt that I must have traded lives with another person since being here. When I consider that, I ask myself if I am crazy-WHY have I done this thing? I miss my grandchildren more than I can express. I worry that my leaving them will cause lasting emotional scars and abandonment issues. We were very close for nearly 5 years. To use the word "were" instead of "are" is excruciating. But I must not lie to myself. It is the truth. We can't be "very close" 1250 miles apart. There's no way for a child's heart or mind to understand the ways of God (OK, there's no way for MY mind to understand it either). It just doesn't make any sense to me, so how can it to them? I stuggle with this daily because it has always been a painful reality for me that my own parents moved halfway across the country to live a life that didn't include their grandchildren. This has caused no small amount of hurt and resentment on my part. It is so ironic that I find myself in the same position now of doing the exact same thing for the same reason they gave-because they believed God was leading them there. I still believe that God opened this door and He continually in many small ways tells me "this is the way-walk in it." I have peace about it and yet I don't understand. I also have deep sorrow and grief in the separation. How can being apart from Ashton and Sadie be in his perfect will? I know God is good, all the time. I just can't believe that He doesn't want our family to be together. So, again, I am bringing it to Him, laying it at his feet, and trusting in His goodness to work all things together for our good.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Shayla, Ashton and Sadie will think I CHOOSE this. That it is easy for me to leave or that I am here because I value my career or money more than them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I loved being with them more than I love being a midwife. Actually, I'm not even being a midwife here, so that's another subject for another day. It's not so much that I feel that I would be disobeying God if I went home. I just feel that He is calling me to trust Him for more. To believe that He has good in store for all of us. That if I continue to follow where He leads, even if I can't see where He's taking me, I will reap so much more than if I tuck my tail between my legs and run home to what I already know. To believe Jer 29:11 and take Him at his word. To experience the great adventure of stepping out into the unknown walking with Him. So, I guess I am choosing. But I want my children and their children to know that I am choosing to know and believe and experience God even when it hurts. Because I love Him. I'm not choosing anything this world has to offer. Perhaps God is asking me to give up my kiddos as a test-for me to see where my true affections lie.
I have experienced for the first time in my life an appreciation for God's UNCHANGING nature. He is and has been the rock upon which I have placed my hope-for peace, sanity, abiding joy in the midst of difficult circumstances, companionship, competence at work, His plans to give me a hope and a future. I have found in this time that He IS a solid rock, when everything else is shifting and shaken. He can be depended on. He IS faithful to his word. He has provided all I have needed, morning by morning new mercies I see. Lam 3:22
Which brings me to the "crisis" point that started the post. I came home from Topeka last Wednesday sick with a cold and facing the truth that it is time to change my pattern. I cannot keep working 8 days on so that I can have 6 days off to go home. The goodbyes are painful for all of us. I'm struggling with trying to live a "dual" life and be in two places (emotionally and geographically) at one time of life. Here I am a worker bee and there I am Nana, cook, wife, daughter, mother, housekeeper. I am catching on to things at work enough that I am ALMOST enjoying my job. But then I leave and step into a world that isn't really mine anymore. I love it when I'm there but then I have to leave and step back into my current reality. Since this is where I live, I feel like I need to stay here more and "get a life" outside of work. It's time to live in the present, not in the past. To let go of the way things were in the past-to open my hands and release what I want to grasp onto tightly (my loved ones) so that they and I are free to go where God is taking us. To be open, willing vessels of God's love to those around us. To trust that God will help us stay connected in ways that meet all of our needs. To know that we are together in our hearts, will be together in eternity and God willing, will be reunited in sweet togetherness again soon.
I've been here for 2 months and find that I am at another "crisis" point, if you will, in the journey. I've been able to go "home" to Topeka every 2-3 weeks since starting the job here. This has felt necessary for me to have that time of re-connecting with my loved ones during this time of transition. Everything in my life is changed. I have often felt that I must have traded lives with another person since being here. When I consider that, I ask myself if I am crazy-WHY have I done this thing? I miss my grandchildren more than I can express. I worry that my leaving them will cause lasting emotional scars and abandonment issues. We were very close for nearly 5 years. To use the word "were" instead of "are" is excruciating. But I must not lie to myself. It is the truth. We can't be "very close" 1250 miles apart. There's no way for a child's heart or mind to understand the ways of God (OK, there's no way for MY mind to understand it either). It just doesn't make any sense to me, so how can it to them? I stuggle with this daily because it has always been a painful reality for me that my own parents moved halfway across the country to live a life that didn't include their grandchildren. This has caused no small amount of hurt and resentment on my part. It is so ironic that I find myself in the same position now of doing the exact same thing for the same reason they gave-because they believed God was leading them there. I still believe that God opened this door and He continually in many small ways tells me "this is the way-walk in it." I have peace about it and yet I don't understand. I also have deep sorrow and grief in the separation. How can being apart from Ashton and Sadie be in his perfect will? I know God is good, all the time. I just can't believe that He doesn't want our family to be together. So, again, I am bringing it to Him, laying it at his feet, and trusting in His goodness to work all things together for our good.
I think one of my greatest fears is that Shayla, Ashton and Sadie will think I CHOOSE this. That it is easy for me to leave or that I am here because I value my career or money more than them. Nothing could be farther from the truth. I loved being with them more than I love being a midwife. Actually, I'm not even being a midwife here, so that's another subject for another day. It's not so much that I feel that I would be disobeying God if I went home. I just feel that He is calling me to trust Him for more. To believe that He has good in store for all of us. That if I continue to follow where He leads, even if I can't see where He's taking me, I will reap so much more than if I tuck my tail between my legs and run home to what I already know. To believe Jer 29:11 and take Him at his word. To experience the great adventure of stepping out into the unknown walking with Him. So, I guess I am choosing. But I want my children and their children to know that I am choosing to know and believe and experience God even when it hurts. Because I love Him. I'm not choosing anything this world has to offer. Perhaps God is asking me to give up my kiddos as a test-for me to see where my true affections lie.
I have experienced for the first time in my life an appreciation for God's UNCHANGING nature. He is and has been the rock upon which I have placed my hope-for peace, sanity, abiding joy in the midst of difficult circumstances, companionship, competence at work, His plans to give me a hope and a future. I have found in this time that He IS a solid rock, when everything else is shifting and shaken. He can be depended on. He IS faithful to his word. He has provided all I have needed, morning by morning new mercies I see. Lam 3:22
Which brings me to the "crisis" point that started the post. I came home from Topeka last Wednesday sick with a cold and facing the truth that it is time to change my pattern. I cannot keep working 8 days on so that I can have 6 days off to go home. The goodbyes are painful for all of us. I'm struggling with trying to live a "dual" life and be in two places (emotionally and geographically) at one time of life. Here I am a worker bee and there I am Nana, cook, wife, daughter, mother, housekeeper. I am catching on to things at work enough that I am ALMOST enjoying my job. But then I leave and step into a world that isn't really mine anymore. I love it when I'm there but then I have to leave and step back into my current reality. Since this is where I live, I feel like I need to stay here more and "get a life" outside of work. It's time to live in the present, not in the past. To let go of the way things were in the past-to open my hands and release what I want to grasp onto tightly (my loved ones) so that they and I are free to go where God is taking us. To be open, willing vessels of God's love to those around us. To trust that God will help us stay connected in ways that meet all of our needs. To know that we are together in our hearts, will be together in eternity and God willing, will be reunited in sweet togetherness again soon.
posted by kirsten | 7:28 AM
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