Meet the Medwife
I am officially unemployed, as of Tuesday, Feb.5. Because SFBC has run into business and financial trouble, a decision has been made to close doors until they can get reorganized. It has been such a stressful few months, with a toxic environment. As sad as I am to see the only freestanding birth center in KC close, I am relieved too. I have spent the last few days trying to sort through all of my emotions and figure out where to go from here.
I had a resolution to read the bible through in a year, but I am hung up in Leviticus. I'm having a hard time finding much in it that speaks to me. But I know that for my own good, I need to be certain that my next job is where God can use me best. I'm trying to stay open and ask him to lead me.
Interestingly, there are currently 3 CNM positions (in KC) posted on the ACNM website, which is unheard of. I mainly look out of curiosity, not because I really want a fulltime hospital based job. In fact, I already declined an official interview for one of the 3 positions because I didn't think i wanted that. But yesterday it occured to me that perhaps I should persue all of them and let God open and close the doors, instead of me. I guess if he could receive glory out of me working in that setting, that's what will bless me also.
But, I am truthfully afraid of the hospital environment because I don't have much experience there (as a midwife) and I don't know if I could be content providing the kind of care that would be expected there. Would I be able to walk the fine line of providing midwifery care to women who, for the most part, don't even know how it differs from medicine and therefore don't "choose" it? Could I be content with social inductions, active management of labor, 30% c-section rate and all of the other crap that women these days seem to want? I tell myself that if this is what 98% of women want (and they do, since they choose hospitals as the place to birth their babies and this is what hospitals have to offer)why shouldn't I provide it as well as anyone??? Why not make the 6 figure salary? Someone else will if I don't. I think the only way I could do it and keep my sanity is to daily remind myself that even though I know it's not what I would want for myself or my loved ones, it IS what they want. It's not like I would be doing something "wrong". It's called practicing "medwifery", and though that word is used as an epithet, it is a career choice that is in demand, as evidenced by the 98 positions posted on the ACNM website today.
And maybe I could find a way to show love and compassion in spite of their choices. But I do know that I couldn't accept a position with any kind of illusions about trying to educate women and/or empower them to make different choices (than the induction, active management, c-section cycle). I've been there and done that during my brief hospital based midwifery stint. I came away feeling schizophrenic and like I'd been banging my head against a brick wall. No, if I accept a hospital based practice, it will be because I am ready to be a medwife.
The other alternative is a career change to anything else. But why do that when I can make a career change from midwife to medwife and make twice as much money as any other job available to me now?
OK, I think I need to at least take a serious look at these CNM positions. I'll never know if I can handle it if I don't try. I guess I could look at it this way: for all those who would believe that I have "sold out" there would be many who would finally respect me because I would be a part of the worshipped "respectable" medical establishment. Not that I am looking for their respect (as evidenced by my anti-establishment stance the last 10 years) but it would be refreshing to not feel the acute sense of rejection that has come with the practice of being a God fearing midwife. And BTW, that rejection has been most painful when it has come from the body of Christ. From those who give lip service to putting their hope in God, but by their actions they put their hope in a very ungodly system. But that's a subject for another day...
I had a resolution to read the bible through in a year, but I am hung up in Leviticus. I'm having a hard time finding much in it that speaks to me. But I know that for my own good, I need to be certain that my next job is where God can use me best. I'm trying to stay open and ask him to lead me.
Interestingly, there are currently 3 CNM positions (in KC) posted on the ACNM website, which is unheard of. I mainly look out of curiosity, not because I really want a fulltime hospital based job. In fact, I already declined an official interview for one of the 3 positions because I didn't think i wanted that. But yesterday it occured to me that perhaps I should persue all of them and let God open and close the doors, instead of me. I guess if he could receive glory out of me working in that setting, that's what will bless me also.
But, I am truthfully afraid of the hospital environment because I don't have much experience there (as a midwife) and I don't know if I could be content providing the kind of care that would be expected there. Would I be able to walk the fine line of providing midwifery care to women who, for the most part, don't even know how it differs from medicine and therefore don't "choose" it? Could I be content with social inductions, active management of labor, 30% c-section rate and all of the other crap that women these days seem to want? I tell myself that if this is what 98% of women want (and they do, since they choose hospitals as the place to birth their babies and this is what hospitals have to offer)why shouldn't I provide it as well as anyone??? Why not make the 6 figure salary? Someone else will if I don't. I think the only way I could do it and keep my sanity is to daily remind myself that even though I know it's not what I would want for myself or my loved ones, it IS what they want. It's not like I would be doing something "wrong". It's called practicing "medwifery", and though that word is used as an epithet, it is a career choice that is in demand, as evidenced by the 98 positions posted on the ACNM website today.
And maybe I could find a way to show love and compassion in spite of their choices. But I do know that I couldn't accept a position with any kind of illusions about trying to educate women and/or empower them to make different choices (than the induction, active management, c-section cycle). I've been there and done that during my brief hospital based midwifery stint. I came away feeling schizophrenic and like I'd been banging my head against a brick wall. No, if I accept a hospital based practice, it will be because I am ready to be a medwife.
The other alternative is a career change to anything else. But why do that when I can make a career change from midwife to medwife and make twice as much money as any other job available to me now?
OK, I think I need to at least take a serious look at these CNM positions. I'll never know if I can handle it if I don't try. I guess I could look at it this way: for all those who would believe that I have "sold out" there would be many who would finally respect me because I would be a part of the worshipped "respectable" medical establishment. Not that I am looking for their respect (as evidenced by my anti-establishment stance the last 10 years) but it would be refreshing to not feel the acute sense of rejection that has come with the practice of being a God fearing midwife. And BTW, that rejection has been most painful when it has come from the body of Christ. From those who give lip service to putting their hope in God, but by their actions they put their hope in a very ungodly system. But that's a subject for another day...
posted by kirsten | 11:27 AM
6 Comments:
I (for what it's worth) think it would be AMAZING to have a CNM like you in a hospital setting! I KNOW there are many patients out there WANTING staff that will encourage them to use NATURAL birthing techniques. Not all your patients will choose all of the techniques (philosophies)that you are passionate about, but many would benefit from your experience and encouragement. I just don't think it's true that every woman (couple) who decides to birth in a hospital wants to be induced, have an epi, and end with a c-section. Maybe you could think of it as expanding your ministry instead of "selling out", if a hospital setting is what God has for you. That's just my 2 cents. Hope it's okay I shared it!
Thanks for your vote of confidence, Joy. You're right of course that not everyone who chooses to birth in a hospital cousciously chooses the inevitible outcome. But after 20 years of working in this area, I am just saying that if women choose to birth in a hospital, they are unwittingly consenting to the hospital policies and procedures, which are in place to help the institution provide efficient, cost effective (profitable), and (what they believe to be) safe care. BTW, the philosophies that I am passionate about are not my ideas, they are God's. It is he who creates new life and his word says much about letting him be the one we put our faith and trust in, whether it is birthin' babies or anything else. I have seen both ends of the spectrum and I have seen that when women place their trust in God (not a doctor or any other health care provider)he blesses them in amazing, indescribable ways, and HE recieves glory. I think God is passionate about it too. Do you think God sanctions and blesses decisions that show that we think we are smarter than he is? It greives me when the enemy deceives women and they are robbed of what I think God designed to be a mountaintop experience in being co-creators with him in bringing a baby into the world. But I realize that I will not be able to be a part of that kind of birth if I return to work in a hospital setting. (Remember, I have many years of experience from which I speak, not just my philosophies). This is what I am grappling with - will I be able to settle for seeing a scenario that falls so far short of my ideal AND robs women of such blessing. Like your birth.
Joy, I don't know where you're at in your journey to process your birth experience. But can I please say that it is OK to be angry or greiving about your loss of having the birth you had hoped for taken from you. But be careful to be sure that your anger is directed at the factors or people who played a role. This way, not only can you "get over" it or find healing, but you can learn from it and be sure it doesn't happen again. If you deny that the care you received was not in your best interests, you have been deceived. I guess that is one way to deal with it. But many women have faced the truth and even though it makes you angry, it can lead you to a healing birth experience next time around because you make different choices that lead to different outcomes.
Whew, that was way more than 2 cents, wasn't it? But is is my blog, huh? LOL
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, in response to mine. :O) I promised my husband I'd head to bed, or I'm sure this could get longer than it needs to. I guess I just want to share that I'll be praying for you, as you are faced with these changes, to be led to a place(or setting)where God won't be limited. I know He can make it possible for you and the women/babies you minister to.
(Next day...)
You took time to address my birthing experience specifically and I didn't want you to think I've ignored it. Thank you for your advice and suggestions. I can honestly say that I have grown tremendously because of my birth experience with Hunter. I felt so disapointed and out of control because of the happenings of that day, which I had planned to go much differently (obviously). Unfortunately, I was faced with an illness I didn't plan on either (which influenced our decisions in ways that were in opposition with what I wanted). I'll never know if we made the "right" choices, but I'll give God glory anyway. He was in control when I wasn't. And that's a lesson I am faced with over and over. I prepared, read about, and focused on my plan... but when I became sick we prayed for direction and I had to give the control to the Lord. I realized later that I was angry about that. God has restored what I felt I had lost. Hunter and I are well today. I hope for a healthier pregancy, if we are blessed with such a miracle again. But mostly, I pray that I will glorify the Lord with ANY circumstance. I've realized He is not limited by my strength or weakness.
You spoke of my being deceived, and my reponse can only come from a personal perspective: I understood my condition enough to discuss what options I would allow in light of it. I knew (as much as a first time birther can) what I was giving up for Hunter, myself, and Ben. I just did what I thought was best, and it felt like a HUGE sacrifice. I may have been wrong. But even so, God still gets the glory for the outcome, which is a healthy family. When I think back upon the events of that time (it really was 2 weeks leading up to it) my healthcare providers had little to do with any of it (aside from ordering and sharing my labs). My experience was humbling. I sinfully had the idea that I was going to prove to everyone that I could do it naturally, and that I would have some sort of superior advantage on motherhood. God knew what I needed to experience so that I would give Him all the glory. Hopefully next time I won't require such a lesson!
I really wanted to encourage you by sharing with you that there are many patients that would appreciate your training and practices. I fully realize that I don't KNOW all the ends and outs of the business side of things. I didn't mean to imply that I did. I am only speaking from a patients perspective when I say that it would be a great relief to have a Christian provider who encourages natural techniques in a hospital setting (if that provider could stand it! :O))
Thanks for listening and sharing. Best of "luck" with the challenging decisions ahead!
I'm sad to hear about SFBC closing. I was hoping to have my first out of hospital birth there if it was a good place...of course, if God lets me get pregnant again. Please let me know where you end up. I may be seeking you out as a mommy needing a baby catcher. Otherwise, I might end up fighting with my nurse again! I am probably a good candidate for homebirth, but my home is a messy place and I labor stressed out with all the activity. I usually try to go to the hospital really close to crowining (have been successful in 4 of 6 of my births...within two hours on all of those. The last one my husband insisted I go and I wanted to walk around another few hours so it was 5 hours...ugh). Anyway, I do NOT want to fight with a nurse in labor ever again. Therefore, I would love to have a midwife who might actually stick around and would have more say in what happens. I think I found a doula too, a woman at my church is a grandma, but also a mother of 10 children. She's getting her doula training. Of course, I'm not even pregnant yet and have a 5 month old on full time nursing...so it could be a while before I have a baby if ever (I'm also going to be 38 soon...so you know I'm always possibly on my last baby).
Praying you find the right place. If you can get KCWC to hire CNM that would be a great service to women in the area. They don't have any on staff that I can tell.
Blessings!
Dawn
I've emailed you at the address in your profile. Let me know if for some reason you don't receive it.
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