Midwife Musings

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Location: Sneads Ferry, NC, United States

I am a Certified Nurse Midwife. I am creating this blog as a way to journal my births - for my own personal and professional growth and to share the beauty of normal birth. My faith walk is very much tied up with midwifery. Midwifery has taught me just about everything I've learned about God. Update-now that it's been nearly 2 years since God allowed me to practice as a midwife, I have found that He reveals Himself in MANY ways if we seek Him. And he has been teaching me to seek Him, regardless of what work he calls me to. New update, I've been working as a "real" nurse midwife for a year and this blog has "morphed" into sharing my journey through life, whether it be from home, work, family. LIFE teaches us, not just our life work.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Tribute to Our Home

It was 2 weeks ago today that we pulled out of our driveway of the house I have lived in for 18 years. The house we bought when Shayla was 11 and Staci was 3 and I was a fresh new nurse with a job in L&D. The house where Sugar lived with us for 15 years, and where she died. Where Willie waited patiently for Staci or Ashton to come out to play. The backyard where Staci played in the treehouse Jerry built, the kids daydreamed or jumped on the trampoline, rode Banjo the horse, where Ashton caught fireflys on summer nights or rode the riding mower with Grandpa. Or where Jerry pulled the kids behind the Blazer on their tobaggan through the snow.

The house that Jerry and stepdad Earl put down hardwood floors, where Jerry and Staci remodeled the bathroom. The basement Jerry finished, where Aaron asked for Shayla's hand in marriage. Where we watched TV, movies, and "24". Where I exercised while listening to KLOVE. The yard that Jerry landscaped. And the garage that he built. Where our boat was kept. And the dirtbike. Where Ashton broke his leg.

The house where the Bellands lived with us when Ashton was a toddler-where he took his first steps on Staci's high school graduation day. Where Sadie's first birthday party took place, and I stayed home with her and nursed her through a fever while others walked to the lake to watch fireworks. The lake where this year we watched the fireworks together from our boat, with the kids bundled in their jammies. The lake where Jerry and I walked and walked and walked. And talked, dreamed, planned and problem solved. Where we had Memorial Day breakfast picnics with Earl and Arlene as the girls grew up, and then Aaron and Ashton and Sadie joined us.

The house where 18 Christmases and 58 birthdays were celebrated. The kitchen where hundreds of meals, Christmas cookies and cinnamon rolls were made together The kitchen table where meals, coversations, games, Bible study, prayers, laughter and tears were shared. Where the kids colored and Staci and I put together her scrapbook. The kitchen sink where I washed and Staci dried. And we talked or enjoyed each other's company in silence.

The home of Heartland Midwifery, where nearly 50 moms and babies (including Shayla and Ashton) came for prenatal care.

The bunkbed where I laid with Ashton to tuck him in at naptime or sleepovers. Where I sang his songs: Jesus Loves Me, Happy Birthday, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, The Alphabet song. And said prayers and read books and told stories and snuggled and wrestled and kissed him goodnight. And invariably I cried. Funny how the second time around you know it won't last. In the blink of any eye, they're grown and gone. I always knew the day would come-I treasured every moment we had. I never dreamed it would come like this. Or this soon.


The room where I held Sadie in my arms and sang to her and prayed over her before laying her in the crib where she slept and woke up asking for Mommy and/or nursey. The living room where Shayla nursed her children as we visited. Where I spent many hours in solitude, reading or praying

The bedroom where Jerry and I loved and fought and talked and prayed and slept and snuggled and played. Where Staci and I gave each other long backrubs and had heart to heart talks and practiced our scripture memory.

This is the house that love built. Home is where the heart is, and my heart is still at home there, even while I'm living and working 1250 miles away. Don't know what the future will bring but trusting in God's word that HE knows the plans he has for me-plans to prosper me and not to harm me, plans to give me a hope and a future. I am so grateful that I can return to the home in Kansas in 2 weeks for what will likely be our last Christmas at 2444 SE Eveningtide Way.

Friday, November 13, 2009

He Has Made Everything Beautiful in it's Time

This is my last last of the week, finally. All week my thoughts have returned over and over again to "this is the last time I will _____". This is usually followed by a break in the dam of tears, whose walls seem impossibly weak of late. Never before in my life have I experienced grief to this extent. I've gone from tranquil peace to raging and stomping my feet (mentally, usually) that this is the way it has to be. I have no doubt that this is the path chosen for me for this season. My heart and arms are just aching with the emptiness that I don't get to have my precious babies with me. Too many racing thoughts to try to articulate, but God knows. Tomorrow morning we pull out headed for North Carolina and whatever adventures and service God has for us there. I have to remind myself to take it 1 day at a time...and that God will strengthen me and my loved ones. They are in His care.

Saturday, November 07, 2009

I've Seen Miracles Just Happen

After 2 years of no midwifery job (and no job at all most of that time) God has moved mountains to put me back into His service as a midwife. I have been overcome by the many small(and no so) miracles He has done to let me know that this is His calling on my life at this time. These miracles are the evidence I am relying on today as I take steps to obey. My heart is so heavy with the sadness and mourning of packing-going through the rooms of the house and putting the stuff of my life-the memories of my loved ones and happy times shared together-either into boxes marked "take, give away, throw away." So final. Even the "take" boxes don't really contain the essence of what it is I want to have with me. I want my people. But God is telling me that for now I get Him. And He is enough. I KNOW deep down that Romans 8:28 is true and I TRUST that God is good, all the time, even when I don't see what He is doing. I can trust who He is. I just wonder how long the grief will be so intense. Perhaps as I become engrossed in learning my job, my mind will be too occupied to dwell on Ashton and Sadie. But even that thought makes me unbearably sad-I don't WANT to forget them. Love hurts. I remember Staci telling me once that I have to believe that it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I don't believe it. I need to know it's true.

Eveybody falls sometimes
Gotta find the strength to rise
From the ashes and make a new beginning
Anyone can feel the ache
You think its more than you can take
But you are stronger, stronger than you know
Don't you give up now
The sun will soon be shining
You gotta face the clouds
To find the silver lining

I've seen dreams that move the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just happen
Silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

It doesn't matter what you've heard
Impossible is in a wor
It's just a reason for someone not to try
Everybody's scared to death
When they decide to take that step
Out on the water
It'll be alright
Life is so much more
Than what your eyes are seeing
You will fine your way
If you keep believing

I've seen dreams that moved the mountains
Hope that doesn't ever end
Even when the sky is falling
And I've seen miracles just hapen
silent prayers get answered
Broken hearts become brand new
That's what faith can do

Overcome the odds
You don't have a chance
(That's what faith can do)
When the world says you can't
It'll tell you that you can!

even if you fall sometimes
You will have the strength to rise

--Kutless

Blessed are those whose strength is in Him, who have set their hearts on pilgrimmage, as they pass through the valley of Baca and make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools.
Psalm 84:5,6

The soverign LORD is my strength;
He makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
he enables me to go on the heights
Habakkuk 3:19