Unaskedfor Advice

I don't know if that's a word or not, but man, it's what I'm trying to cope with this week. We all know how annoying unaskedfor advice is, but I'm the one giving it, and I can't seem to help it.

This week my kids have decided that it is time for 16 month old Ashton to "learn" to go to bed/sleep without being held. This came about after they received a CD in the mail from Dr. James Dobson, the Christian behavioral psychologist, who says this lesson is important. I'm not sure why, but I know he is big on parents asserting their authority, teaching the kid who's boss, etc. I do know that I have had my conflicts with Dr. Dobson in the past as it makes me very angry whenever a person speaks out as an authority on any subject (and thinks they are) just because they are an MD. This particular one thinks he knows everything there is to know about raising children, even those areas he hasn't bothered to study. And I'm frustrated that my kids, first time parents, are willing to look to some self proclaimed "expert" for advice. I mean, we all know mother knows best, right??? That's a joke. But I do wish moms and dads would trust their own wisdom instead of always giving the right and responsibility to make parenting decisions over to these "authorities". It starts in pregnancy with most women abdicating their responsibility to make decisions on their child's behalf. They doubt and deny their God given instictive wisdom and instead look to someone else to tell them what's best. And no one else cares for or loves your children like you do. So why in the world would you trust them to know what's best for them? You know your children. Anyway, I digress.

The thing is, I don't think Ashton is trying to be the boss. He has spent the last 4 nights crying/screaming himself into exhaustion and eventual sleep. It's killing me. I am so totally opposed to this type of childrearing "technique" that I am making myself sick over it. And he has been very angry and agressive this week during his waking hours. Hmm. Go figure.

He's just operating on the same assumptions that he's operated on from the day he was born: I am loved and cherished, my parents and grandparents respond to me when I need them, when I cry, they come, when I'm sleepy, they rock me, when I need comfort, I am comforted, etc. Actually, when the crying time decreased to just 15 minutes tonight, I almost felt worse. It means that he is giving up. He is learning that the old rules no longer apply. We aren't going to respond to him. Just becaue he quits crying doesn't mean he quit hurting - it just means he has learned that it doesn't do any good to tell us about it - we aren't going to show we care in the only ways he has ever known. So, yes, it is certainly teaching him a lesson, but I fear that the lessons are ones that are driving an emotional wall between him and his parents/grandparents. He isn't going to trust us as he did before this "lesson". He is learning (even if he's young and he won't be able to remember/articulate when it happened) that love is harsh, cold, uncaring. I mean, what else could he be thinking??? I seriously doubt that he's in there saying, "Well, I know my parents love me and this is really hard for them to hear me crying and hurting emotionally, but they believe this is for my best, and after all, I need to learn to go to sleep on my own." Right. I am so grieved to know that this is not at all what he's learning, but rather that we don't care.

Oh, I'm really struggling with it. Of course, anytime we're really struggling with someone else's issues, it's probably because they are our issues as well. I'm becoming aware of my inability to really FEEL loved by God. And that has a huge impact on everything in my life. I'm learning that I have formed perceptions about God based on my experiences with those who represented God to me - father, pastor. Probably anyone in authority. I suppose we all have these kind of traumas in childhood that begin to shape how we view God. My prayer for Ashy this week has repeatedly been "Lord, please guard his heart/mind/spirit. Do not allow the lies from the enemy to penetrate. Lies that say "This is how it feels to love and be loved. You have to guard your heart. Don't let them know you're hurting because they won't care/respond and then you will hurt even more." Please help me to nurture him in whatever way I can that may counter the negative effects this "training" is sure to have. And lastly, help me to be a good mother as well as grammy by praying for my children and grandchildren and knowing when to keep my mouth shut and when to speak up. Amen"

Journal of Ashy's Birth

June 26, 2006
Well, now that I've figured out my username and password, I can finally blog again.

I have decided to devote some time journaling my grandson's life experiences as a future gift to him. He has been a precious part of my life from the minute I knew of his existence, and became an integral part of who I am from the day of his birth. I just finished reading a post from Sherry that I could so relate to. It was the story of her DIL's cesarean birth yesterday. For those of us who cherish the gift of birth and are devoting much of our lives to the cause of preserving normal birth, her birth story is so sadly familiar. I'm glad Sherry is working to be a change agent. As she said, the desire for a good birth has to be owned by the mother to be - it can't belong to anyone else if it is to happen.

Ashton was born February 20, 2005 at 38 weeks gestation. I was both honored and burdened to be my daughter's chosen midwife. Shayla developed pregnancy induced hypertension (PIH) about 28 weeks into her pregnancy. I suggested many natural remedies, from calcium-magnesium supplements, to daily walks. She dutifully counted out and chugged down her many pills each day. I fed her a healthy salad for lunch nearly each day. She tried to go for walks with me on her lunch hour (she was working as an accountant and it was tax season remember) but these just wore her out. I rubbed her feet and her back in an effort to relax her. (She was under a lot of stress at the time as well).

As the pregnancy progressed, I privately celebrated each week as a major milestone. I was very anxious as I knew how serious PIH could be, and yet I desperately wanted her to stay "normal" enough to have the homebirth we were planning. I took her blood pressure several times/week. I nagged her to eat healthy food and stop eating junk food. I double checked her supplements. In short, I drove us both crazy trying to "manage" her condition. Finally, at 38 weeks, her body declared that time was up. Her blood pressure shot up to 190/100, she spilled lots of protein in her urine and the labwork I had done confirmed that she was very sick with not only PIH but HELLP syndrome. In shock, I sent her and Aaron to the hospital and contacted an OB to consult with. I had them go to St. Frances because I didn't want her to have the automatic cesarean section that I thought would happen at Stormont Vail. Yes, I was afraid. Yes, I knew that syndrome kills moms and babies. And yet, I had the peace of knowing that God was with us, protecting them from harm. I called friends and family to pray and I stayed with them as their midwife until the following morning. On the evening of the 19th, Dr. Wiley came and saw her and consulted with them. He gave orders for Magnesium Sulfate IV infusion to prevent seizures and Cytotec to induce labor. At that point, I was still her primary caregiver (I did hospital deliveries at the time). I didn't sleep that night even though she did pretty well. I was so burdened by the responsibility. Dr. Wiley had ordered labwork to be done every 6 hours and told me at what point Shay's liver enzymes would be so high that her liver was in danger of rupturing. I believe he said 5000 (something) would be panic level/c-section time. I was so grateful that Shay was being given the opportunity to try a vaginal birth, even though it was risky. I really wanted her to be able to have the chance for a better birth next time, something that wouldn't be possible if she had a c/s. Did I say how burdened I felt? Next morning when Dr. Edds came on, he suggested that I turn Shay's care over to him and I was so relieved and grateful I wanted to weep. But I couldn't. I needed to hold it together for the kids. Later. Sunday morning the 20th, I called the church and spoke with Doug Will, asking that they pray for Shayla and Ashton's safety.

By noon Sunday, Staci, Grammy O, Kelly Hilbebrandt (doula), Aaron and I were surrounding Shayla and Ashton. Shayla was in active labor and "in and out of it" from the mag sulfate. She was coping very well with the contractions, especially since she was on complete bedrest, with monitors around her belly, a BP cuff continuously on her arm, taking BP every 15 minutes, a urinary catheter in place. Desite this, the L&D nurse continually asked Shayla if she wanted an epidural every time I left the room. She finally gave in and said yes, which I was surprised by since she seemed to be doing just fine. When the anesthesiologist came in and saw her labwork, he refused to place the epidural because her platelets were too low. Praise the Lord! I was so glad because now the nurse would get off that kick. I knew Shay was fine without it, she was just caving to the pressure.

Shayla's friends Joy and Rochelle came by with their husbands and I asked them to come in the room and pray with us. After they left, we just continued to offer up prayers and praises as the afternoon wore on and the labwork showed liver enzymes were rising and platelets were falling, but labor was progressing well. Shayla's dad and Grandpa Olberding were in the waiting room. I called my mom who was visiting in Dallas and shared with my cousins Janet and Hal what was going on. With Janet being an RN and Hal a CRNA, I was sure they would fill her in on the details. I knew they would pray! I felt such a covering of peace that could only be expained as from the Spirit of God Himself.

Around 5pm, Shayla started bearing down with contrations and I was so filled with joy. I knew we would have a baby soon and a vaginal birth too! Ashton Carter Belland was born around 5:30 pm and I had the sweet pleasure of being the first to touch and receive him into the world. Well, that's enough for today. To be continued.....